Pools Suck

I want to go swimming in a big cool lake,

Or maybe splash in the sea,

Is this not just the cutest?

Or, really, any large body of water,

Where I don’t have to get out to pee!

Obnoxious = Fun!

Playful, obnoxious and loud,

Is what I aspire to be.

Sad that I’m not nearly as endowed,

As this fun place where I pee!



Can a bathroom be a battle ground

For a war of good and evil?

Yes!  Judging from the next-stall sounds,

Someone’s ass is getting medieval!

Hi Bye!

Pardon if I’m not very chatty,

But please don’t think me catty.

I’m not avoiding your company,

You just caught me on my way to pee!

Waste of Time

Pooping and peeing, sleeping and eating,

Are nature’s way of holding us back.

How much more could we accomplish,

Oooh pretty…empty

With all those hours we now lack?

She doesn’t want us too big for our britches,

But maybe we already are!

We don’t need more time  just to churn out

More angry birds and idle pop stars!

It’s the Little Things

If I were a parent-

Or caretaker of my my own-

What I’d miss the most,

Would be the joy of peeing alone!

Pay to Pee

I swear I feel my bladder filling up

Drop by drop

O god where is a bathroom

I’m gonna pop

Please let me use yours

Yes, I’ll shop

It’s a basic function so please

Make this extortion stop!


For days when my energy is low

And a dull restroom makes it even lower

Please give me a toilet that says ‘hello’

And ends with a rinse and a blower!

Don’t Drown the Pee

Do any of us know our true urine color?

We only ever see it watered down.

So, please, for the sake of your health,

Don’t let your informative pee drown!

REAL flowers! In the restroom!

REAL flowers!

Movie Pitch

TV shows, movies and books,

Leave out the parts to which we most relate.

So I’m writing a script with a new hook-

It’s the stuff on the toilet I’ll renumerate!